I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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