Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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