dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
