we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Randomize
