Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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