Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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