i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just found puke in my bra..
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
