He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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