i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
