His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
there is glitter all over my balls
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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