Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
