I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
