the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Randomize
