Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
