I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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