The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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