The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
