Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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