can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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