worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
