What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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