I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
PS: I just woke up from my shower
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
