I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize