Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
