you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
