Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
