imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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