i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
