What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It's rum buckets o'clock
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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