i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
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