so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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