im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
