just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
How does one acquire holy water?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
