What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
