this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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