The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
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His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
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His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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