Your dad touched me again.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
