Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
