you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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