sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
this must be what syphilis tastes like
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
