you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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