This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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