mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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