found the other keg... it's in the tree
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
