I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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