How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
