I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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