I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
