I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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