can we get nightvision for the apartment?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Let's get the cat blown out
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize