Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
