did you get engaged???
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
