Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
