Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
