and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
